I'm Just So Tired

I don't sleep well. I haven't for years now. Lots of things prevent me from sleeping. Things that are technically outside of my control are only some of it. Things like other people or pets making noise inside the house, muffled noises from cars or animals outside the house, even the hum of a fan or my own inconsistent breathing can make it impossible for me to sleep. Mostly though, the thing that usually prevents me from sleeping is my own brain. And I should be in control of that, right? I don't know if I am or not anymore to be honest. My brain typically does it's own thing now a days and shutting up long enough to rest doesn't seem to be a requirement.

I saw this painting a long time ago. It's by Alex Grey and is appropriately entitled, Insomnia. I think it is an accurate representation of how sleeping usually works for me - and I assume most people with insomnia. The good thoughts all fall asleep just fine, while the bad thoughts sit and whisper in your ear all night long.

I've tried so many different things to help me sleep. Music, silence, television, no television, no electronics or screens hours before bed, watching Bob Ross reruns, herbal tea, essential oils in a diffuser, exercise, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, hot showers, melatonin, marijuana, Benadryl, OTC sleeping meds (which are actually just Benadryl anyway), prescription medications - sooooo many prescription medications, etc... Basically, you name it, I've tried it. Still nothing.

I miss sleeping. I really do. I'm just so tired.


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